Waiting... who the 'eff invented the concept of waiting!?
If you have already read my previous post you know that we had to have blood drawn to find out how elevated the lead levels are in K-Bug's blood. Well we are still waiting. Yes, I know they told us it could take as long as 6 weeks, but honestly this is killing me. I sit here in our home looking at every surface that has paint and wonder if there's lead paint there. I am compiling list after list of things that need to be removed from the house and re-done, things that we have to hire to have someone come in and take care of, and lists of contractors who are qualified to do the job. My mind is reeling and my heart is breaking that my house, the home that we have created for our daughter is poisoning her.
How did I let this happen? I knew the dangers of lead paint, I knew that we lived in a house that was built well before 1978, I should have done more to protect her. I should have thought. I wasn't thinking though, I wasn't thinking that lead dust can be more dangerous than the actual paint chips, I wasn't thinking that all the lovely old furniture we have in our house could pose a risk, and I certainly wasn't thinking that even surfaces that were covered up with new paint could still cause problems.
I keep getting told by everyone that I should just wait. Wait until we know the results. Wait, she may not have lead poisoning. Wait, you don't have to get worked up just yet. I can't follow this train of thought. MY HOUSE IS POISONING MY CHILD! I don't care if it's slightly, moderately, or severely. It. Is. Still. Happening. And I'm not letting it continue to happen, and I'm not about to bring another child into this house until it's fixed and I'm not exposing K and the rest of us to this. Things have to go and things have to change.
Well, this is the problem now isn't it. Like I said, I have my lists. I've started removing things that I can remove, but that can only carry me so far. I am a dairy farmers wife. A dairy farmers wife who stays home and raises our daughter. In case you haven't noticed lately... farmers make NOTHING. We don't have the money to go ripping things apart and changing our house. We've spent the last year or so praying to God that this gas-well comes sooner, rather than later and we can afford to tear things down and start over. I have flipped flopped over that idea since S brought it up awhile back. Tear it down and start over, or try to restore and retain the history this house has. But not anymore, now everything's changed.
I can't catch my breath. I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know which way is up, and I certainly don't know where to go from here. All I know is I have to keep moving forward. I have to do everything in my power to make sure she's not breathing this stuff. Get the things out that can be removed and figure out how to change the things that can't be simply removed.
I'm not guaranteeing that this post makes any sense. Mostly I needed it out. I've been randomly bursting into tears every time I think about it, or sit down to plan. I needed it out there, in front of me. If any of you out there have experience with lead poisoning please speak up. Let me pick your brain, offer advice. Anything. Thank you!